Why Loneliness Matters …and What To Do About It

Whether you have close relationships in your life or not, chances are you think about people a lot. You consider what others want from you and what you ultimately want from them. You imagine how others think about or judge you and maybe make your own judgments about them. If you have close others, you think about how nice it is to be yourself and be able to let your guard down with them. If you don’t have close others in your life, you wonder what’s wrong with you that you don’t have more authentic connections. Either way, evolution programs our minds to need connection and without it we feel like something is wrong.

Loneliness is an increasingly prevalent issue, particularly among middle-aged Americans. A recent study published in American Psychologist[i] highlights a striking “loneliness gap” between middle-aged Americans and their European counterparts. The research, which analyzed data from over 53,000 participants across three generations (the Silent Generation, Baby Boomers, and Generation X), from 2002 to 2020, found that adults aged 45 to 65 in the U.S. reported significantly higher levels of loneliness than those in 13 European countries.

Relationships are inherently tied to physical health, longevity, and mental health[ii]. The Harvard Study of Adult Development demonstrated that people who are content in their relationships at age fifty are the same participants who are physically healthier at eighty. Loneliness is linked with psychic pain similar to physical pain; when people feel social pain, the part of their brain that registers physical pain lights up.

Loneliness diminishes overall quality of life and is at the root of many mental health issues, including depression and anxiety, and impairs relationships, creating a vicious cycle that’s hard to escape. This is because our brains are wired to trust that we will have people around us with whom we can feel safe and rely upon. When this assumption is not met, we are at a loss and come to blame ourselves.

If this seems to fit for you, remember loneliness can be improved but you have to deliberately take action. Here are four reasons loneliness endures and how you can start changing the pattern:

Believing You Don’t Need Close Others: Deciding that close others are not for you or that people are too much work, will keep you stuck. These thoughts become a way to rationalize your aloneness. Most everyone needs meaningful connections to stay physically and emotionally healthy. You don’t need 20 friends, but a couple of close others can make a world of difference. Challenge thoughts that justify or rationalize your sticking to yourself. See if you can be open to new ways of thinking about social contact.
Deciding you don’t fit in. When you don’t maintain regular social interactions or only connect with the same small group of people, your social muscles weaken. You have more difficulty picking up subtleties in conversation, and approaching discussion from a more instinctive angle is a challenge. You may feel tense, reserved, or,alternately, try too hard. This becomes work and a reason to opt out of social plans. For most everyone social interactions improve from one simple behavior: literally show up and keep practicing connecting. The more you put yourself in social situations the more comfortable you will get with being yourself.
Sticking with the same activities: Recognize if your world has become small. Are you only seeing the same people and doing the same activities day in and day out? Consider doing a novel activity —commit to a weekly volunteer pursuit or join a group with your child’s school or in your community. Consider taking time to make small talk with a neighbor or an acquaintance versus just moving on to the next task. Say yes to connections or activities that you would ordinarily rebuff.
Recognize the ways you detach: Our culture offers a myriad of ways to detach and numb feelings of loneliness, including bingeing on TV, consuming excess food, drugs/alcohol, or playing games and scrolling on a phone. In the moment, these pursuits feel relieving and even like a connection, but that wears off quickly, leaving you feeling even emptier. There is no substitute for real connection, and in the long run, numbing out only brings on more isolation. If you find yourself withdrawing and looking forward to being on your phone as a way to recharge, challenge yourself to either connect with people you live with or get out in the world and be around others.

^[i] https://psycnet.apa.org/doiLanding?doi=10.1037%2Famp0001322

^[ii] https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/the-power-and-prevalence-of-loneliness-2017011310977