Turn the Tables on Your Anger – Don’t Suppress, Use It Effectively

Cultural conditioning tells us that anger is destructive and is to be pushed away as soon as possible. Anger, particularly for women, is associated with mental health issues or appearing unhinged and out of control. For men, on the other hand, anger is associated with appearing in control, powerful, and convincing. As a result, women in particular try to tamp down anger in an effort to not push people away. These women sacrifice their feelings to keep others happy with them. They are afraid to rock the boat so when angry they tell themselves to shut it down, shame and guilt themselves—“You have so much, why are you angry…” “Be grateful, you have nothing to complain about…”

Suppressing normal human emotion takes a toll, both psychologically and physically. Certain health conditions affect women more strongly than men including autoimmune disease, insomnia, chronic pain, fibromyalgia, and migraines. Also, compared to men women are twice as likely to have depression, anxiety, and PTSD. Among women, only opiate addiction has a higher mortality rate than eating disorders. And the vast majority of those suffering from eating disorders are female.

A recent study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that anger, compared to neutral or other emotional states, made participants more adept at meeting specific challenges. Participants were more likely to meet difficult goals when in an angry state than in a neutral state, including solving more puzzles correctly, increased effort to prevent financial loss, and motivation to vote in conflictual elections.

Learning that anger has a purpose and how to regulate it makes all of the difference. Accepting that pushing it away can have deleterious consequences can inspire change.

1. Anger is a Signal: First and foremost, build self-awareness for when your body is signaling anger. Once you recognize you’re angry, then the anger is less likely to get out of control or become destructive. Tells of anger include muscle tension, including jaw clinching or grinding teeth, increased heart rate, blood pressure, flushed face, feeling an urge to take action (yell at someone, hit someone, be aggressive in some way). Instead of pushing the signal away, breathe through it and identify the emotion: “I am angry.”
2. Anger Motivates: Once you recognize you’re feeling anger, see if you can identify what underlies it, what the deeper meaning may be, or what you need to do that would help you in this situation. Instead of indulging a destructive urge, such as yelling and screaming at someone, or pushing the anger away entirely, work to recognize the basis for these urges. Anger usually means there’s something you need that is not happening but it may not actually be the situation that is triggering your anger. In other words, if you’re angry at something random, for example someone cutting you off in traffic, see if you can look at a bigger picture of your life and where this anger may be coming from. Alternatively, if you find yourself continually angry in your job or a relationship, sit down and consider the larger themes going on in these situations and your deeper feelings.
3. Anger Creates Boundaries: A very common reason for anger is the feeling of being taken advantage of or that your needs aren’t being met. Consider for a moment if you need to say “no” to more social or work commitments, do you need to let a friend or partner know your limits or how you are really feeling about the demands in your life? Remember if you appear fine to friends and loved ones, then no one knows how you’re really feeling and the demands will keep coming. Boundaries with your own self are important too. Recognize if you are asking too much of yourself or agreeing to more than you can healthfully do. Allow yourself to have space for self-care.
4. Expressing Anger HELPS Relationships (when done appropriately): Suppressing anger triggers chronic stress. Prolonged stress or anxiety is not good for your psychological and medical well-being. See if you can talk to someone about how you are feeling. If it is a person you’re angry with, try to communicate effectively by first taking the edge off through breathing, meditation, and relaxation. Then write down what you need to say. Preserve your relationship by not blaming but just owning your feelings. You can even own that perhaps you’ve suppressed or pushed away these feelings to protect the relationship and so you understand that they may be surprised about how you’re really feeling.

¹ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7980266/
² https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/statistics/
³ https://psycnet.apa.org/doiLanding?doi=10.1037%2Fpspa0000350